Starting to wonder

This morning I felt the pangs of depression creeping into my brain. Since I’ve started the new job it seems to have gotten worse and worse. I hoping it’s just the gloomy weather, or maybe just a little insecurity about not knowing what the hell I’m doing at work.  Maybe it’s riding the train again. There’s something depressing about the train that I had forgotten. There’s a dark pallor over the heads of everybody headed downtown, a dread hanging down as if everyone is feeling a collective, “What’s the point?”

I had forgotten how much I hate working for a short time. I was excited about the new prospects but then again,  I hate working. I hate that the majority of my day is spent doing something I despise and the rest of it is merely spent trying to stay awake long enough before going to bed at 10:00 or 10:30. In all reality I feel like I should go to bed as soon as I get home. What’s the point of staying up for a short time anyway? I don’t talk to anyone, I don’t have any experiences to share, no kids to raise, no dog to walk. I fail to see why I am doing this to myself. Where’s the reward?

Sure, a paycheck and insurance all those regular things. But I’m pretty sure I can get those doing something I actually like doing. Of course that begs the question, what do I actually like doing? The only thing I do like is writing. Of course, I’m too damn exhausted when I get home to actually sit down and do it. So what do you do?

I wonder if I made a mistake coming downtown. I had it pretty good out in the burbs. I knew what I was doing and was what you might call an expert at it. Here, I feel like a useless blob, overwhelmed with a job no one has taken the time to explain to me. God I hate that. It’s important when you have a new hire to sit them down and show them how your business operates so they can be an asset and not a depressed drone. It bugs me that I’m going to have to beg for help instead of having things explained to me from the get go. It’s infuriating.

It’s only my third day, granted, and I should stop all this stinking thinking. I suppose my expectations were a bit high and now I’m feeling the let down of that.

Okay, deep breath, put on a happy face and try to get a grasp on this god damned mistake and try to make the best of it. Should have got that damn literary degree.