Wednesday, December 19, 2012

How to Become What You Hate

1. Drink – It’s important to ply yourself with alcohol. It makes you feel better for a while but then worse, but then allows you to say “screw it” and do something stupid anyway. It’s also important to surround yourself at the bar with people that enjoy your misery as much as you do. Even better if their situation is slightly worse than yours. Do shots.

2. Stalk – Now that you’ve filled your gut with booze it’s time to start sending text messages to ex-girlfriends or women you’ve dated. You need to let them know how much you miss them and how silly you were and how stupid you feel now. Be confident that your 2:00 am texts will be appreciated. Then realize after you’ve sent them that you’re an idiot and no one appreciates a two am text message. Realize that you’ve become a stalker and that’s just creepy. But continue pining over them for months, years, maybe even decades, but never let them forget about you. Because they'll come around eventually. 

3. Talk about things that no one cares about - Consider all the things you know, don’t talk about those things. Talk about the most innocuous crap you can think of. Something you read in the paper that you really didn’t care about when you read but are using now to fill in the silences. Keep talking no matter what because no one will ever think you’re full of shit if they can’t stop you from talking.

4. Don’t join in – Remember that you are an individual and there’s no one that can tell you what to do, even if that thing is quite possibly the most fun thing ever. You’re independent and a loner. Loners are cool.

5. Describe how lonely you are in great detail – Remind people you know how pitiful you are by constantly complaining about how lonely you are. However, do not take any responsibility for being lonely. Clearly others do not realize how awesome you are and it’s their fault for not wanting to hang around you.

6. Use modesty as a cover for your narcissism – Practice accepting compliments but remember inside that you deserve them. 

7. Refuse to change – Use phrases like, “I’m too old to change”, or, “That’s just not something I like”, to get out of trying new things.

8. Let your imagination control your desires – Have a single conversation with a woman but in your mind imagine your entire relationship all the way through dating, marriage, kids, house, retirement and death, before she’s finished her sentence. Then be upset when she rejects you.

9. Blame people – Remember it isn’t you, it’s them. Clearly there’s something wrong with them. Crazy jerks.

10. Quit – When things get hard, quit. It’s not worth your valuable time to continue trying at something you’re just going to fail at anyway. So don’t bother. Someone else will do it. Probably better than you too.

11. Be judgmental – No one can match your superior morality or impeccable logic. So remember that everyone’s actions are subject to speculation and ridicule. Yours aren’t.

12. Lust – So what if it’s a mortal sin, if you stare at them long enough, eventually they’ll figure out how awesome you are.

13. Pity yourself – Do nothing to make yourself feel better. It’s important to continue acting like a teenage Goth kid in everything you do. Remember that everything absolutely sucks and will never get any better. Until you die.

14. Tell people you’re real – Lie to people about how real you are. Reaffirm how totally honest you are by not telling people how you feel, because feelings are for women and children with boo-boos.

15. Never actually be intimate – Never, ever, let someone actually know anything about you. You’ll just get hurt and besides, they were probably a slut who’ll just talk about you to the next guy and have a good laugh over what a sissy you really are.

16. Offer nothing – Say you’re Buddhist and not into material things or being the pebble that disturbs the pond, but really it means you just have nothing to offer because you’re too afraid to do anything.

17. Sit – Sit a lot in front of your TV. It’s really your only true friend.

By following these simple steps you’ll be on your way becoming everything you say you hated.

P.S. Although, if I were you, I wouldn’t; maybe it’s better to just try to be someone that is productive and ambitious. I’m trying to learn from it. Maybe this is the first step of many.

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