Thursday, January 24, 2013

The Salt King

When the fall of the world as we know it occurs, not due to the Mayan apocalypse obviously, money will be worthless. The only currency that will carry any real weight is salt. It’s something I was thinking about on my way into work this morning as my train passed the Morton Salt mill/refinery/whathaveyou. After the eventual fall of mankind due to war, terror, plagues, disease or whatever hell could occur, the person that controls the salt will control the destiny of the living.

I decided that if there is an eventual fall of humanity in my lifetime I will do what I can to get to that Morton Salt factory and take control of it so I can be the Salt King over the empire of dirt. I’m not exactly sure how that would be accomplished, mostly I’m betting on the fact that the world will not de-evolve into war-torn madness. But if it does come, I want to be on the top of the pecking order.

Salt, as you likely know being the well educated person that you are; is one of the world’s most precious commodities. In fact, there was a time in history that salt was worth more than gold or other rare jewels.  It was the maker of kingdoms and was central to early trading. Not too shabby for a mineral.

People need salt. It is essential for animal life. Not only as a mineral for daily living but as a preservative and I want to be the God King of as much of it as possible. So when the end comes I will make a play for the stores of salt at the Morton factory. I know it sort of sounds like the plot from Dune, but I assure you, there are no spice worms to ride.
(Major nerd alert right there)

In my quest for power I will need a loyal and competent army as I will likely not be the only person making a power play for the salt reserves. I’m sure there will be other vicious elements that will want the privilege of power the salt will provide. So I suppose that’s why I am writing about this now, to let my loyal readers know who to turn to when brimstone starts falling from the sky. Do right by me and defend my divine right to the salt and I shall see that you are lavishly rewarded.

We will be in a better position to broker deals with the Water War Lords if we take the salt reserves. With that established ally no other force will be able to wrestle us from the luxuries the salt could provide. Imagine it all, a kingdom built on the backs of the saltless for me, I mean us, to control. We could do whatever we wanted and then, just to be total dicks, we could veil our dominance in a sort of Democracy. We could give people choices that don’t actually effect the true operation of my new, I mean our New World Order.

I suppose it would be a fleeting power and kingdom though. I’m not sure how much salt is actually there or how high the demand might be. I mean, just because it’s a necessity doesn’t mean people will battle in the Arena of A Thousand Deaths for it. We’ll just have to see how it goes. As a note I will not be changing my name to The Humongous of the Wastelands. For now. 

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