I had a dream last night involving a woman whom I’m not sure existed. That is to say, I’m not sure if she was a real person that I once knew or if she existed only in the dream. I suppose I am getting to an age where memory, dreams and experiences might start to mingle a little bit. She was a sort of a petite woman with dark curly hair and was quite lovely with piercing blue eyes. It seemed that I had known her for only a short time and maybe I have forgotten that I might have spent a few nights with her. Or she was never real and only existed within the context of the dream.
I am confused because part of the dream took place in my mother’s basement at her house, in my old bedroom. Affectionately called, “The Bunker”, by some fine women I’ve known. It was a dreary little bedroom and was probably a vortex to another ghostly dimension. This woman and I were in that bedroom, in bed, just being casual with each other. Talking, and just holding each other close. We were still clothed. It seemed that we had met at some post high school party, or maybe some very early college thing and she’d come back with me to my mother’s house to sleep. It seemed very normal. It seemed more like a memory than a dream.
I think it would be terribly weird if I started dreaming up memories while I was sleeping. Imagine the confusion that would breed, hence the confusion I’m in now. I remember other experiences with this curly hair girl. I remember what she was wearing, or maybe I simply dreamed what she was wearing. A lilac colored sweater with some minor embellishments along the front and jeans. Very 1990’s blue jeans at that, none of this tight jeans stuff. So the details of it seemed to make it seem more like a memory than a dream.
I remember or dreamed that she had to get up in the morning and that was why she had stayed with me so I could take her somewhere maybe. I remember, or dreamed I remembered, that we hung out a few more times. We laughed and smiled and enjoyed each other, but drifted away for some reason and eventually to be erased from my memory by time, or imagined in a long dream creating some waking confusion about my own past.
I was up early due to the violent stormy weather
is experiencing today. I woke around 4:30 a.m. to the sound of thunder rattling
the very walls of my apartment building and I could have sworn I said this
woman’s name. Then I wasn’t sure about her existence at all. There was
something very real about her and then, there was something that wasn’t. I
started to wonder if I might have early Alzheimer’s and this woman did exist
and we spent some wonderful together, but she’s been lost to a failing mind.
Part of me could have sworn she was real and we loved passionately for a very
short time before being parted for some dreamed or forgotten reason.
I have no way to be sure really, unless some of my long time friends who read this blog might refresh my memory. I there was such a woman or not. Although as this day goes on I am more and more convinced she was never real and only existed in my dreams. I can’t see her face anymore whereas with the real people I know I can at least see their faces in my mind. There are some good looking faces in that bunch actually, but none seem to match the vague impression of this pretty, dark curly haired woman with the piercing eyes and mischievous smile.
I got out of bed for a little bit at 4:30 a.m. to watch the lightening show and I had a cigarette. I racked my brain trying to remember if this woman was real or not. I felt like she was an important person to me that I had let get away, but then, I couldn’t be sure. The rain pelted the windows and I decided to check for any leaks or puddles in my apartment. There were none. I went back to bed hoping that maybe another dream might point me in the right direction as to the existence or non-existence of this woman.
Unfortunately I ended up dreaming about heavy water. I’m not sure if that’s what it is called but it was recently discovered in the Ocean that even in deep water there are pools of even more dense water. The two are separated like Guinness and Harps in a Half and Half. When I woke up again I remembered I had this dream memory of this young woman and it was still very confusing. I had to get up and going though since the rains were still pouring down and I didn’t want to be late for work, which I was anyway because the rains flooded too much of the city and the trains were late and all kinds of nonsense.
I wish my memory was better, or my dreams were real.