Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Don't Go, well, you'll get it...

            Gary fell asleep on the couch and had a deep and long dream about a great golden ape god that would grant him any wish. Gary thought this was awesome since he was a complete and total weakling. He was the very guy whom bullies kicked sand at. The Golden Gorilla granted his wish for muscles and strength with an ape house screech.

             When Gary woke up on the couch, he was a muscle bound giant. He could barely turn his head thanks to his new muscular physique.

             “Thank you Great Golden Gorilla,” he shouted as he flexed in the mirror.

             Word of Gary’s unbelievable transformation quickly spread through town and it caught the ear of Willie Shaw, the renowned revivalist. He paid Gary a visit to see this miracle for himself.

             “So you were a 90 pound weakling, a nothing body,” asked Willie Shaw.

            “Yes sir. Until the Great Golden Gorilla granted me my wish to be strong,” said Gary.

            “Was the gorilla…God,” asked Willie Shaw.  

            “I think God was the Gorilla,” said Gary.

            “Praise the ape,” said Willie Shaw.

             Willie Shaw convinced Gary to come with him on his traveling revival tour all across America and they praised and promoted Gary’s wild transformation into a muscular dynamo after a visit from the Golden Gorilla God. They went to Texas and Louisiana, Oklahoma and Kansas, Illinois and Indiana, which was the common circuit for Willie Shaw’s traveling revival show. In each place the people would marvel at Gary’s miracle and shout to the heavens for the Golden Gorilla to grant their wish, for money, health, power, and for more money.

             Gary flexed and posed alongside Willie Shaw as they made their way onto TV and the larger general populace caught wind of the story. The amazing Gary Miracle from the Great Golden Ape was the talk on everyone’s lips. No one could believe that there was a God, it was a gorilla and that it would grant wishes. Churches to the Great Golden Ape sprang up across the country as millions flocked to them for prayer and the chance to have their wishes granted.

             Soon Gary started to wonder if all those push-up and weight lifting had anything to do with his sudden muscularity. Perhaps he imagined the Golden Ape in his dreams and he didn’t grant his wish, but he made his own wish come true through his own hard work. Willie Shaw quickly reminded Gary that was impossible since Gary was clearly a weakling and incapable of putting on so much muscular mass before.

             “A miracle is a miracle boy,” said Willie Shaw as he chomped on his cigar.

            “But I think I’m starting to feel bad,” said Gary.

            “Then you just keep praying to that Golden Gorilla, maybe he’ll show you the way,” said Willie Shaw as he went back to counting the stacks of money covering his large and official Golden Gorilla desk.

             Gary went back to his new mansion and dropped his huge frame onto the couch. He dozed off soon after and was in the third cosmic realm where he had first seen the Great Golden Gorilla. He shouted and called for the Gorilla’s attention. The Golden Gorilla was busy smelling a pile of its own feces, which was probably important religious work. Gary yelled and waved his muscular arms. The Golden Gorilla finally looked up at him.

             “Ah Gary, how’s the muscles working out,” asked the Great Golden Ape.

            “Good, really good. I actually finally spoke to a woman ,” said Gary.

            “That’s wonderful. So, what can I do for you now and did you bring me a banana,” said the Golden Gorilla.

            “A banana?”

            “Yeah, you don’t think I’m like that other God, doing things for free. I expect bananas,” said the Golden Ape.

            “I didn’t give you a banana before, when I got the muscles,” said Gary.

             The Golden Gorilla rubbed his hairy chin and snorted though his nose.

             “I’m sorry Gary, I was thinking about bananas, what did you say,” asked the Golden Gorilla.

            “Banana, banana, I was talking about how you didn’t ask me for a banana when you gave me these muscles”, said Gary.

                The Golden Gorilla looked at Gary for a long while.

             “You’re right. I must have been pretty drunk to have given you those rippling muscles. So, do you have a banana?”

            “Well, no. I didn’t know I would need one” said Gary.

            “Ooh, that’s too bad,” said the Golden Gorilla.

             Gary woke up on his luxury couch. His muscles were gone and he was back to his original weakling frame. He cried and shouted and tried to pray to the Golden Gorilla but no response came. Willie Shaw quickly dumped him as a spokesperson but kept up with the Golden Gorilla Religion and was soon elected Pope.

             Now Gary sleeps on a pile of bananas and tries to dream of his Golden Gorilla. Banana, Banana, banana, banana, banana, banana, banana….


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