Top News from the Galaxy

             The Ambassador from Uranus, Quwarx Delta Seven Three, was applauded for his stance on diversity among his fellow Uranians. He had taken a hard line on Uranian Civil Rights and was rewarded today for 5 million years of peaceful coexistence in the known galaxy. It was a distinct honor for Quwarx considering the adversity he and his fellow Uranians have faced as being the most intelligent and modest life in the universe. In a strange turn however, the Ambassador thanked an unknown individual named “Jesus” for his success. It is unlikely the Ambassador will retain his position after this peculiar outburst, despite his success.

            Plutonians are still petitioning to be reinstated as a planet but face sharp criticism from the militant Massive Orbital Body Committee. The planet referendum is scheduled in 2987 and pressure is high for reinstatement. Observers are hopeful the council of Completely Honest Representatives will be open to the wishes of the majority of Pluto’s population.

            Martian pseudo-scientists are continuing to express interest in the blue planet third from the yellow gas giant. Their claims of possible life, intelligent life, on that orb were again discredited by the amount of trash now in orbit. Martians allege they’ve heard strange radio frequencies from the blue planet but scientists dismiss it as primitive unintelligent grumblings referring to something called, “Real Housewives”. Scientists indicate that those words are completely meaningless and therefor are not a clear indicator of any intelligence. Deep Space news reports more garbage from the third planet has passed Pluto’s orbit and is now polluting further into deep space than ever before. Readers will recall the great galactic purging when the third planet was used as the galaxy’s outhouse and refuse center. Representatives from the deep planet Californicus, were not available for further comment, but their offices have insisted that any refuse coming from the third planet will not be hazardous to the rest of the interstellar community.

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            Saturnists were pleased to discover this week that their global warming crisis may be over. After two million years of greenhouse effects, Saturn scientists allege they’ve found a movie start prophet who can save them all by building a space Ark and deliver them safely to the a new planet in the system. Construction is set to begin at four Anginls.. Again, Martian scientists urge caution in the use of Space Arks since the devastating loss of Neptune’s Planet Destroyer 21. Neptune representatives were unavailable for comment.

            That’s the news from the Galaxy. Bleep-Bloop-Bop - End of Line