Thursday, December 31, 2015

Scream 2015, Scream

                2015 reminded me of those really cheesy exploitation films of the 1970’s. You know it’s a terrible movie, bad plot, poorly filmed, terrible editing, all the colors are slightly off, there’s a hair caught in the reel, but you watch it anyway and have a hard time pulling your eyes away.  It’s a movie you’ve seen a hundred times at four o’clock in the morning when you can’t sleep because you’re too worried about all that terrible real world shit that’s constantly happening all around. Yet there’s something awfully soothing about how bad it is.

                You think, “Well, some jerk made this movie, so I guess it can’t be all bad,” and you settle further into your sofa slouch. That’s exactly how 2015 has been for me. It was something I swear I’ve seen before and no matter how much it disgusted me or made me wish for some of that awesome Avid movie editing equipment, I couldn’t stop watching. It just kept happening and I was transfixed.

                Here’s the plot/imagined trailer of my terrible exploitation movie titled, “Scream 2015, Scream”.

                An unemployed insurance claims examiner who fancies himself a writer wakes up on New Year’s day 2015 to find himself still unemployed and wallowing in debt. He’s drunk. He’s unhappy. He’s searching for something to find joy in. He’s dealing with anxiety and depression issues, unresolved childhood traumas, and wondering why he can’t get a date. He’s getting older, hairs are graying, ear hair is growing and he can’t remember the last time he had to run anywhere.  And this time, nothing is going to change. (Cue record scratch) This year, Michael is going to discover, that being miserable most of the time, isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. (Cue cut scene of Michael smashing his car, slipping on an icy sidewalk, swearing at crying children, standing, sitting, eating, smoking, taking a shot, slipping on ice again, taking another shot, smoking, bonking his head against a beautiful woman’s head, taking another shot, and sleeping.) Michael hopes… (cue explosion) to make it out alive… (Cue laughing Vampire) of 2015. “Scream 2015, Scream”, coming to theaters.

                That’s just the first movie too. Wait until the sequel, “Scream 2015, Scream Harder”.   I do hope a sequel isn’t necessary though. I’m sure the original cast won’t be interested in reprising their roles. I’m sure they’ll have moved onto bigger and better projects, like cat wrangling or having babies. I do hope that 2016 is a better movie, slick budget, special effects, purpose, joy and a little love. In fact, if there is a sequel, I would hope it’s the classic story of redemption;  a real tear jerker about overcoming adversity, strife, bullies, financial ruin, and coming out on top.  

                I hope that movie is titled, “I Know What you did 2016, and I LOVE IT”.  With all that said however, I would like to wish all of my faithful readers a serious and hearty Happy New Year. I sincerely hope 2016 brings you all the things you’ve been wanting and wishing for (as long as your interests don’t collide with my interests, of course.)

                Have a very safe and Happy New Year!

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