Alternative
Fact Valentine’s Day,
which I came
up with all by
myself,
without any assistance
from anyone,
not even my mother.
Valentine’s
Day started when Jesus
told the
Apostles to dig up heart
shaped rocks
on the beach and
throw them
at the women they
liked.
It’s also
the day that Dr. Jonas Salk
discovered
the cure for polio
when he cut
his finger on a paper
heart
valentine he was making
for a fellow
scientist that was,
in his
words, “totes sexual chocolate.”
I cannot
count the number of lovers I’ve
had on the
hands of Vishnu. Who all
constantly
call me and beg for my
love and
sweet kisses and amazing
Valentine’s
Day presents.
In
Alternative fact, I’ve never, ever
disappointed
a lover on Valentine’s Day
or found
myself at a bar at three in the
morning
wondering about why I’m
so repellent
to the ladies. Nope,
never
happened to me.
So enjoy your Valentine’s as much
as I have
always enjoyed mine and may
your loves
be as extraordinary as I am
in bed.
Happy
Valentine’s Day!
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