Alternative Fact Valentine’s Day,
which I came up with all by
myself, without any assistance
from anyone, not even my mother.
Valentine’s Day started when Jesus
told the Apostles to dig up heart
shaped rocks on the beach and
throw them at the women they
It’s also the day that Dr. Jonas Salk
discovered the cure for polio
when he cut his finger on a paper
heart valentine he was making
for a fellow scientist that was,
in his words, “totes sexual chocolate.”
I cannot count the number of lovers I’ve
had on the hands of Vishnu. Who all
constantly call me and beg for my
love and sweet kisses and amazing
Valentine’s Day presents.
In Alternative fact, I’ve never, ever
disappointed a lover on Valentine’s Day
or found myself at a bar at three in the
morning wondering about why I’m
so repellent to the ladies. Nope,
never happened to me.
So enjoy your Valentine’s as much
as I have always enjoyed mine and may
your loves be as extraordinary as I am
Happy Valentine’s Day!