The Denials of Icarus

I was not flying too close

to the sun.

It was a manufacturing defect.

I wasn’t there.

I didn’t even know Daedalus.

My father was on Crete at the

time of the alleged incident.

I did not crash into the Icarian Sea.

It’s only coincidence that it has the

same name as me.

Totally a coincidence.

Those aren’t feathers stuck to

my back, it’s ornamental decoration.

I did not provide kickbacks to Big Feather.

I only go out at night.

I don’t even like to travel.

I have never been to Greece.

I don’t even have a Greek name.

I’m pretty sure I would have noticed

my own plummeting from the sky.

I don’t know anything about aerodynamics.

Okay, maybe my father, Daedalus, did “invent”

some wings, but he can’t be held responsible

for poor overseas manufacturing failures.

He’s an inventor, and he creates jobs for

the Grecian people. But, I’ve never used

his wings for anything, that I know of.

I’ve no further comment on our relationship.

If anything, this scandal has been manufactured

by the liberals on Crete in an effort to

malign our good family name. Fake Crete News.

We’re putting Greece first and they can’t stand

how super awesome we are. But I do want to warn

them that any incursion into our airspace will be

sternly criticized.

Okay, I have a flight to catch.

This press conference is over.