I Imagine Santa Claus

I imagine Santa Claus as a

race car driver, dressed in a red and

white slick racing suit.

Checkered Flags whipping in the wind

as he poses on the racetrack on top

of his nitro powered funny-sleigh.

I imagine Santa Claus in a three piece

red business suit, typing away at

the offices of Claus, Nicholas and Nick,

making sure to get that last lawsuit

finished.

I imagine Santa Claus sitting next to

a hospital bed, green mitten hands clasped

around those of a very old man, gasping

at his last few Christmas breaths and

hoping for the endless afterlife cheer that awaits.

I imagine Santa Claus on the set of a

pornographic movie, he’s not involved but

he’s not there to judge anyone either,

he jokes that everyone is naughty,

but they’re usually nice.

I imagine Santa Claus sitting on a beach,

watching the surf roll up the sand, he’s

a little sunburned but he’s got the elves

to spray more lotion on. He’s ready

to hang-10 and get gnarly.

I imagine Santa Claus lost

at the empty mall, there used to be a

good Cinnabon here but it seems to be gone.

It was right next to the arcade and the

Tee-Shirt & Sunglasses shack. 

I imagine Santa Claus in a semi-truck,

rolling like Mad Max through the wastelands,

being chased by the Humongous and his band

of post-apocalyptic Neo-humans who don’t

know who he is.

I Imagine Santa Claus in the Matrix,

because he’s the one, disconnecting us all

from the cyber nightmare reality. And maybe

giving us a candy-cane for all our electro

trouble.

I imagine Santa Claus imagining me,

and the smiles on my face as I open up

each thoughtful gift and thank my family

for their generosity and constant patience

with my shenanigans.

I imagine Santa Claus, all tuckered out

from his Christmas escapades, dozing

off in his big red chair by the fireplace

at the North Pole as Mrs. Claus signs the

divorce papers in the next room.

I imagine Santa Claus a bit too much I think,

it’s probably not healthy imagining Old St. Nick,

in so many places and so many scenes,

I’m confused on what it all means,

although, it doesn’t amount to a hill of beans.

It’s all fancy and fun,

no real harm done.

So Merry Christmas Mr. Santa Claus,

Merry Christmas to everyone.