The Plot to Elect Jesus

                “Sir, the poll numbers are in and you’re not doing as well as we had hoped,” said Paul.

                He flipped through the reams of paper crowding his campaign desk and shook his head. Around him was a swirl of staffers and the devoted running through the storefront corner campaign offices of Jesus Christ.

                “Really,” asked Jesus, “what numbers are you referring to?”

                “Well, sir, the numbers among the Jewish community are much lower than previously anticipated,” said Paul.

                “Hmm, that’s not really much of a surprise. I mean, they did crucify me once, why not do it again,” said Jesus.

                Jesus put his hand on Paul’s shoulder and gave him a reassuring squeeze.

                “It’ll be all right. I’m sure they’ll come around,” said Jesus.

                Paul nodded and answered his ringing telephone. Jesus leaned up against the edge of Paul’s desk and marveled at how far they had come in such a short amount of time. He rubbed the stubble on his chin where his lovely long beard had been. He hadn’t imagined his Second Coming would become a political campaign, but he knew he had to roll with the punches in these modern times. He had expected after descending from heaven on a chariot of gold and clouds into the crowds of the believers in New York City his coronation as the Savior would be pretty much a sure thing. But then, the doubting Thomas’s and the critics, pundits and political mouthpieces started their assaults.

                They all questioned him about his intentions, why he was in America, where his birth certificate was, could he be considered an American? Why would Americans follow some Jewish guy from the Middle East when they had a perfectly respectable Christian President? Jesus had to respond in his typical way, being honest that he didn’t really know why anyone would follow him as he was only the bearer of an idea. He only wanted for the salvation of our souls, but that it was up to the people to decide their own fate. Next thing he knew, he was in a political campaign, essentially running for the office of Son of God; or rather, President of the United States.

                The current President petitioned Congress to have the Constitution changed so Jesus could run for President. Congress acted surprisingly swift and created an amendment to allow Citizenship for the Son of God and to clear the way for his campaign. The current President, an allegedly pious and devout man of God, considered Jesus’ return during his term as President of the United States as an affront and he wanted the people to determine who was more worthy to be the chosen one, like some sort of Keanu Reeves.  

                So began the Jesus Christ Presidential Campaign. The Catholic Church, with its bloated banks and vaults, was more than happy to fund Jesus’ run for office. They did have a lot of forms to fill out though and seemed to be somehow profiting off the money they were spending. It was all bookkeeping and beekeeping as far as Jesus was concerned. Money had never really been one of his highest priorities. He thanked them for their faith and moved forward with his run for the office and the hearts of the believers, in him.

                The attack ads on TV were a bit worrisome for J.C., it was something he hadn’t really considered. The Romans only cared about a little graffiti here and there on some buildings. Here the onslaught against him constantly playing on TV were very disheartening. They called him all sorts of terrible names and seemed to miss the whole point about treating others the way they wished to be treated. He could only forgive them and try to move forward with his own positive messaging.

                “Sir, that Pope fellow in on the phone for you again. Something about your stance on Women in their church or something. I dunno, more about how they got your message all wrong,” said Paul.

                Jesus sighed and took the phone from Paul. He rolled his eye up toward Heaven and Paul snickered.

                “Yes Mr. Pope.  Yes, you see, I have been very busy. Um-hm. Yes that’s right. Running for President…. yes. Seems important to him. Right… um-hm… yes…  Right, women are an important part of God’s community and… what’s that? I’m pretty sure I did say so. I did say so… I did… Mr. Pope, I did so say it. I did… Yes, I did. I did so say it! Mr. Pope… Mr. Holy Father… I’m not going to do this… Right, Holy Father… Listen, I’m going to go now. You have a blessed day,” said Jesus and he hung up the phone.

                “He’ll just call back you know,” said Paul.

                “That’s okay. I don’t speak Italian so it all works out,” said Jesus.

                Jesus rubbed his hands together and smiled warmly at Paul. 

                “Okay, what’s next on the agenda,” asked Jesus.