Steve stepped into the hallway off
the bedroom. He yawned and scratched his right butt cheek as he walked. His
bare foot stepped forward and slipped in a thick goo on the hardwood floor.
Steve fell backwards and landed hard on his lower back in a puddle of
greenish-yellow mucus.
“Ah, what the hell,” he cried
out.
He carefully lifted himself up
and turned on the hallway light. The floor was covered with a layer of thick
disgusting snot-like slime.
“What the…,” he said to himself.
A strange laughter filled the
house followed by what sounded like someone throwing up after a long party, which
was then followed by more laughter, evil laughter.
“Honey, are you okay,” asked
Steve’s wife from the bedroom.
“Don’t come out here babe. It’s
ah….not…uh…safe…,” said Steve.
Steve carefully stepped around
the thick puddles and made his way downstairs. The living room and dining area
were awash in greenish-yellow and brown smeared gunk. There were also empty bottles
of beer and Steve’s tequila that he’d won at the bowling raffle two weeks ago
was also open and empty. The cabinets were all open and there were Cheesy
Snacks spilled all over the counters.
“Oh Jesus,” said Steve as he
moved toward the open kitchen door. He
slipped again in the mess on the floor but stayed on his feet. He steadied himself in the doorway and
blinked in disbelief. At the refrigerator, hovering in front of the open door
was a ghost. A ghost right out of the cartoons, a ghost in a white sheet with
two black holes for eyes, staggered backwards.
“You’re… you’re outta, out of,
the beer…dick,” slurred the Ghost and it vanished.
Steve slid back against the
kitchen doorframe to the floor. He made the sigh of the Cross across his chest
and hugged himself. The relator told him this house had a strange past, but the
price was so right he just didn’t even care. It was such a steal.
“Holy Jesus,” shouted Steve’s
wife, Miranda, from the hallway, “What is going on?”
Steve stood up, steadied himself
for his wife’s wrath, and went to the bottom of the stairs.
“Honey, love of my life. I’m
pretty sure our house is…haunted,” said Steve.
“Haunted, haunted with what?
This is just, just so much puke up here,” she said.
Steve closed his eyes and shook
his head. He remembered the Relator’s warning about the old Fraternity that
used to rent the house. They got shut down when too many pledges and staff were
dying from alcohol poisoning and some sort of hazing with goats. Steven rubbed
his chin.
“How are we going to clean this
up, Steve,” shouted Miranda.
“I’ll take care of it baby. You
go ahead and get ready for work. I’ll… I’ll make a few calls,” said Steve.
Miranda went to the bathroom and
felt like she was in that completely illegal scene from Revenge of the Nerds
when the Llamba’s broke into the girls dorm and illegally set up video cameras
and started filming the female residents like some sort of deranged stalkers. She couldn’t believe anyone in the 1980’s thought
that was okay. It was such a violation of privacy. All those Nerds should have
been arrested and sent to prison and then register as sex offenders when they
finally were released. She cringed as she toweled off. She could swear she
could hear a snicker from somewhere.
She quickly dressed and headed back
downstairs. Steve was trying to use a snow shovel to push the thick mucus off
the kitchen floor.
“I’ll be home by 7:00, all this,”
she pointed around the room “is gone
when I come home or we’re leaving and never coming back.”
“Yes my darling,” said Steve.
Miranda left the house and
couldn’t shake the creepiness of all those ghost eyes probably ogling her naked
flesh. She shivered as she pulled the car out of the driveway and went on her
way.
Steve watched her pull away and
he dropped the shovel. He got his cell phone and called his friend at the
University.
“It’s here Dave. Full phantasm
activity… Yes… all over my damn house… it’s astounding. When can you come by
because we only have until seven? Okay, okay…yeah…see you then.”
Steve hung up the phone and went
upstairs to get dressed and to rewind the home surveillance footage for Dave to
watch.
Dave rang the bell a half hour
later and Steve jumped when the bell rang. He had been watching the footage of
something stumble through his house, knocking things over, clumsily setting
them back, throwing up on everything. He was astonished and he knew now for sure
that there was an afterlife.
“Dave, you’re not going to
believe this,” said Steve as he brought him upstairs to watch the video.
Dave pushed his glasses back on
his nose as he watched the ghost. The ghost didn’t always have a form, but
there was almost always a Pabst Blue Ribbon in its hand, or floating in the
air, occasionally spilling a little. There was also footage of the fully formed
ghost, just as Steve had seen in the kitchen, just stopping and staring off
into nothing, then throwing up giant streams of puke all over.
“This, we can’t go public with
this,” said Dave.
“What? Why not?!”
Dave pointed at the screen as
the Ghost bumped into an end table and then threw up on it.
“I’m not attaching my name to
the Vomit Ghost,” said Dave.
“What?! C’mon man, this is
definitive proof of life after death,” said Steve.
“No, it’s proof of a dead frat
boy, drunkenly vomiting on everything. That’s not exactly proof of anything
other than drunken douche-bags turning into ghosts. Can you imagine the
fraternities that would have ghost pledges if this video ever got out?”
Steve sat back in his chair and
thought about it. It was still proof life after death but, what kind of life
was it. He looked up at the screen to see the Ghost attempting to light a
cigarette on the stove, but then get dizzy, stumble backwards into the cabinet
and throw up.
“Okay, maybe you’re right. Maybe
this isn’t the best proof of life after death,” said Steve.
“Yeah, let’s just exorcise this
joker and we’ll chalk it up to a creepy experience and forget about it,” said
Dave.
Steve nodded and followed Dave
going room to room performing a blessing and the Exorcism rights.
“NooooOOOooooOOO,
BrooooOOoooOoo,” said a disembodied voice as they moved around the house.
Dave and Steve ignored it and
continued the blessings until every room was clear. The last they heard of the Vomit
Ghost was a very faint, “You suuuuuUUuuuuuUUUccccKKKkkk BroooOOOooo….,” before
completely training off and vanishing.
“I think Miranda will be happy,”
said Dave.
“Yeah, she might not turn me
into a ghost now. So, I’ll see you Tuesday for our meeting,” asked Steve.
“Yup, see you then,” said Dave.
Dave left the house and Steve
checked each room for any trace of the Vomit Ghost. He didn’t find any more
puke puddles or hear any drunken stumbling.
He went to the couch and sat down. He turned on the TV and started
watching a Ghost hunting show.
“Pshht, lame,” said Steve.
HAPPY
HALLOWEEN Dearest readers!
