Wanting it to happen

            He wanted to kiss her more than he’d wanted anything in a long time. The very thought of pressing his lips against her soft small lips made his stomach rumble and gurgle with excitement. He felt like he was on a roller coaster and each time he caught her eyes he felt like the world was dropping away under his feet. He’d kissed other women before. It wasn’t like his first kiss on the fire escape with the adorable blonde ghost at the school’s haunted house; the first kiss to mark all others from then on. This kiss seemed too important to mess up. He wanted it to be right. More right than anything he’d done in his life.

             Every accidental touch from her was like an electrical pulse through his entire body. Yet, he didn’t act. He wasn’t sure if he should. Ever fiber in his nervous body was telling him to act, but he resisted. He was cautious. He didn’t want to ruin anything that could come. He didn’t want to screw up any potential that existed for something more meaningful than a fleeting ill-timed kiss.

             She laughed at his antics and smiled when he listened. He felt the sweat on his forehead and had to wipe it away but try to look relatively cool while doing it. Although he wasn’t sure what was cool anymore. He found himself almost completely unable to look right at her beautiful face because the urge to scoop her up in his arms and kiss her was unbearable.

             His breath was short but he kept it to himself. His brain was shooting fireworks and signal flares off into the sky reading, “Kiss her you fool! Kiss her now!!!” And still he resisted. He just wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do. Not for him, but for her. He was so worried about upsetting her or putting himself in the wrong with her that he continued on in his stodgy, Victorian, Edwardian butler personality. A butler doesn’t take such risks but soldiers on in the face of even the mildest desires.

             He cursed his values as he walked next to her. He felt a fiery passion inside roaring to be released but his up-bringing, his concern for her feelings overpowered his desire. He continued to babble and fumble and act aloof, as if that was what you were supposed to do, but inside he was engulfed, incinerated, with want.

 

            He swore that the next time, the next time would be different. He’d make it right. He’d make it special and memorable and meaningful. He hoped by doing so he’d make the right impression and the real life version of all his imaginings would finally come true.  He hoped she might want that too.

             In the meantime, he will continue to boil on the stove of his passionate heart in the hope she’ll stir.

Carefully

            “All I want to do is take care of you,” said Albert.

            “You can hardly take care of yourself,” said Molly.
           
            Albert looked away from Molly’s pretty face and her icy blue eyes.

            “I think that if I could take care of you, then, maybe, I could take care of myself better,” said Albert.

             Molly sighed and cleared her throat.

            “That sounds a little, I don’t know…co-dependent,” said Molly.

 

            Albert shrugged. He had been hoping this conversation would go better. Instead of Molly falling into his arms and begging him in her sweet yet raspy voice to be her caretaker forever, she was jilting him. He had not expected that.

             “It’s not co-dependent. It’s cooperation. It’s sharing and working together for a common goal,” said Albert.

            “What’s the common goal then,” asked Molly.
            “To see the world together, while holding hands. Gazing out over the oceans together while hugging, to make love under some giant redwood as it rains gently from above,” said Albert.

            “I don’t think we really share a common goal Albert,” said Molly.

             A timer on Molly’s desk dinged.

 

            “It looks like we’ve come to the end of our hour Albert. So here’s what I’d like you to work on for our next session. Please try to find a real positive goal and work on ways of achieving it. It can be something very small, like completing that painting you told me about,” said Molly.

            “Okay Doc, I will,” said Albert.

             Albert rose from the couch and headed toward the door and exited. His head was buried in his chest and Molly could feel his sadness in the room. Molly stood from behind her desk and went to the couch where Albert had been lying. She rested her head in the spot where Albert’s had been.

            “Oh Albert, maybe one day. One day,” said sighed.

The Burden

     I can finally say that I am now unemployed. I have been let go from my employer since there really wasn't enough work for me to do. If you're a regular reader of this blog then you might know that I spent a great deal of time complaining about my lack of consistent work and now I have none. I'm okay with it though. I was a little upset at first but now I've gone through the grieving process and I am at acceptance.

     I didn't much like work anyway. Well, that particular work. Sitting a cubicle is just so not what I want to do. It's taken me a very long time to realize that I have been basically faking my way through almost all my jobs because I thought it was simply what I HAD to do. It was a means of survival instead of any practical enjoyment.

     A full time job filled with mundane tasks and boring chores is not a life. I'd much rather have a life than a soul crushing, curse laden, mind kicker job. It's just who I am. I am a round peg trying to fit into a square hole (in more ways than one, cough). I don't like the square, but I was taught and brainwashed into believing that I didn't have any choice and I had to fit into that hole no matter what. "In the tree, part of the tree", as it were. But know I know that I don't have to be so limited.

     The burden of it weighing on me, pushing me down into a human-like paste, has been lifted and I finally feel free to try and make choices that will actually make me feel better about my station in life. I've been cowardly about most things in my life up to this point. I've been incredibly practical and insufferably morbid because I was doing something that brought me absolutely no pride or joy and felt limited by that.

     Now that smashing feeling has been lifted and I am slightly free to make choices that will be rewarding instead of a constant stinging feeling in my soul. So, dear readers, if you have any job opportunities that you think would reflect the best parts of me, please let me know. I can only offer my gratitude and praise.

Yeee-Ha!

Smeared

Blurry glasses,

thick with everything
seen and unseen.
 

General.

Unspecific.
Messy.

Looking forward

isn’t clear.
Milky and foggy.
 

Vague images of

the now waiting to
be wiped clear.

The view isn’t better.

Sometimes it’s best to
live in a blur.

The Noise behind the Noise

            I tossed and turned in bed all through the night. The noise of the nighttime world seemed amplified against the expected quiet of the early morning. Cars that badly needed exhaust repairs seemed to growl through the streets like some un-caged beasts of the wild. Motorcycles joined in the noise as if their roaring were to signal the other motorcycles of a fresh kill on the prairie.

             My ceiling fan’s blades cut through the air like wings, whooshing and whirring as the still air was circulated over my unsleeping mind.  I could hear each pulse of air as the blades spun. A rhythm of the ceiling’s fan motor turning was the background for the roar of the night life outside. Every sound seemed to have taken on a life of its own, as if they were conspiring to keep me from sleep.

             Ambulances and police car sirens echoed through the streets as a distant train rumbled and blared through a faraway darkness. The sounds seemed trapped in my bedroom, bouncing off the walls, directly into my ears. The constant noise kept my brain working, thinking, roiling with the unstoppable activities of everything happening all at once.

             I could hear the subtle murmurs of the few people walking about in this noisy world. There was faded drunken laughter, a few screams, a few cries, more laughter, and car doors slamming. I thought about all the people in my apartment building as they moved about the night; going to the bathroom, checking on unsettled children, seething over a recent argument over rent or where to live after this god forsaken noise pit.

             The building itself seemed to be a pulsar of noise. It was an antenna of the cacophony of the night; a car coming to a hard stop, the brakes screaming against the strain of squealing tires. Trucks of all sizes trampled through the night like elephants crashing through a thick jungle.  A wild, lost, noisy world without end forcing all of itself into my bedroom keeping me from the sleep I so wanted and needed.

            I didn’t want to look at the clock. I didn’t want to know what time it was. I just wanted it to be quiet so the crackling flames of my thoughts would die down enough to let me sleep. I could dream peacefully on the embers.

The Cuddle Effect

I wonder how soft

she is? Is her skin as

smooth as I imagine.

Is she ticklish?

 

What would her hands

feel like as they moved

over my body?

Would I get a tender

shiver since it’s been

so long?

 

Would her head resting

on my chest satisfy my

burning longing?

 

Can two people, locked in

an embrace really defeat the

terrors of the world for a few

precious moments?

Is the hug, the holding, really

the best part?

 

Swaying together in time to a

beat, a song, a rhythm,

hearts beating together.

The breathless listening to

each other’s bodies as a sway

turns into a kiss and a kiss

sets the world on fire.

 

The peaceful scent of

her hair as she nuzzles up

against my body.

I miss it.

I want it.  

 

I hold my breath.

Background

As I think about myself
and my place in the world
I forget about everything
happening around me.

Or rather, I simply don't
notice how much is
happening around me.

Things are constantly
happening as I selfishly
wish and want for the
things that are supposed
to make me happy.

The lives of others,
their wishes,
their dreams,
their desires,
their laughter,
their fears,

Fill the background
of life, our lives.