Aw Nuts

            Before I fell to sleep last night I had a great idea for a story. It had action, adventure, romance, special effects, monsters, boobs, passion, swashbuckling, violence, cool music and an awesome unexpected twist ending. When I woke up, it was all gone. In retrospect, it probably really didn’t have all the things I described. It was probably another crazy story about some guy standing at a bus stop in the cold wondering why he couldn’t get it on with the ladies even though he was endowed with god-like love making powers. I know how much everyone loves those stories. I enjoy writing them simply because I feel that amid the 7 billion people on Earth, there has to be some truth to it.

             So as I sat this morning in an attempt to salvage my amazing, mind-blowing story, I froze. I sat here at this computer with a blank stare plastered across my face. I had nothing. Everything I wanted to write about was just gone and I found myself terribly distracted by the squirrel on my window ledge shivering from the brutal cold outside. I started to wonder why the squirrel wasn’t hibernating, and then wondered if squirrels hibernated and based on the evidence of the squirrel on my window ledge I had to deduce that they do not. I wouldn’t say that is a productive train of thought and it hardly had anything to do with the amazing story I had planned to compose.

             I then dabbled with a play on the State of the Union, calling it The State of My Union. I wrote eight words into it and realized that the State of My Union was pretty boring since there wasn’t really any Union to describe. It would have been all about the women I desire and the fact that I’m too shy to say anything about it to them.  So I erased it and wondered where the hell that squirrel went. “Maybe I should just write about that squirrel,” I thought. I mean, that squirrel is pretty badass braving the treacherous cold weather in a constant search for nourishment and companionship. I have a feeling that the squirrel, which I will now refer to as Twinkie, has a very adventurous lifestyle.

             Twinkie’s life is one of constant daring and do. He’s climbing buildings like Spider-Man and leaping from ledges to trees like Superman. I don’t know if he is a beacon of justice for other squirrels like Batman, but there is a certain charisma about Twinkie. He’s got something. He’s got that “IT” factor the judges on American Idol Worship would be keen on. I wonder if Twinkie can sing. I sort of want to get him a little cowboy hat and a guitar and see what he could do. Twinkie the singing cowboy squirrel.

             “Froggy went a courtin’, he did ride, crambone,” like Uncle Pecos from Tom & Jerry springs to mind. A rowdy rootin’ tootin’ squirrel by day, avenger of squirrel injustice by night. That’s Twinkie alright. A regular squirrel hero. He’s gone from my window ledge now and I didn’t see where he ran off too. That’s his thing though. He’s mysterious. I bet the lady squirrels love him for that. He’s all about the lady squirrels too I bet; wooing them with adventure and silent unknowns. He drives all the lady squirrels wild.

             I do not envy him though. I’m a human being with all kinds of cool shit and he’s just a squirrel, on my window ledge, freezing, while I’m toasty and warm in my slippers, pajama pants and cardigan sweater.

 
           Well, maybe I do envy him a little.