More Searching for Meaning

 

                “So, that was it then,” asked Johnny. He looked up at the giant computer screen in front of his face, at the digital image of God who had just greeted Johnny and all the other dead.

                 “Please save your questions for the end of Orientation,” said the face on the giant screen, of whom Johnny was highly suspicious. Johnny was strapped into a roller coaster type harness and couldn’t really move.  He was able to bring his microphone up to his mouth.

                 “I’m sorry, I just can’t, like wait. We’ve been waiting a long time to get here I guess and I’m just instantly curious to know, if, you know…, all that life, all that living, pursuing, sex, working, loving, being sad, alone, joyful, loved, alone again, if that... if that was all there was,” asked Johnny.

                 “How did he get a microphone in here? Can someone see how he got his hands on that please,” said the image on the screen.

                 “Yeah, I actually had one in my hand when I died, so like, I just seemed to have it when I got here,” said Johnny.

                 “Okay, can we get technical support in here to get this microphone from this guy,” said the face on the screen. “Seriously, guys, we can’t have these kinds of things happening so often.”

                 “Hold on man, I’d like an answer,” said Johnny. Two winged figures descended from above the giant computer screen and appeared at Johnny’s sides. They took the microphone from him and then vanished.

                 “Aw, c’mon! Hey, give me that back! That’s mine. That’s from my last show. That’s important,” yelled Johnny. He had been singing on stage at The Risk Room with his long-time bandmates, The Rebel Revengers, when a bottle or a boot or a brick flew from the crowd and smashed him in the face. Then he was blinded by some bright light and could taste applesauce, then, he was in front of the giant screen face, who was welcoming him to heaven.

                 “Okay, okay, settle down,” said the screen voice, “Here’s the deal. Yes, all of you are dead. There’s not much else we can say about that. It’s just what it is. Some of you may have near-death experiences and be sent back, but most of you. You’re here for eternity. So, let’s get this orientation out of the way okay?”

                 There was a generalized agreeable sounding moan, but Johnny couldn’t see anyone else really, his head was being held in place, focused squarely on the giant computer screen face.

                 “Oy,” shouted Johnny, “No! I don’t agree to that at all buster! I lived an awesome rock and roll life, well mostly awesome, and I am not very happy with this predicament. I mean, come on, all that drug use didn’t kill me; the rehab, the relapses, more drugs, the unprotected sex didn’t make a mark but a boot to the head and Wham! Here I am in Valhalla. That’s shit. Total shit. What did it all mean you raggedy old deity?”

                 The voices of the other newly dead groaned. “C’mon buddy, let’s just get this over with,” and shouts of, “Shut your face idiot,” rang through the void.

                 “Nothing. It meant nothing. All your human struggles, meant nothing to me,” said the face on the screen. “I’m an omnipresent super being with a ceaseless lifespan stretching into the billions of your years, so no. Your lives meant nothing to me. Did it mean something to you?”

                 “Well, I mean, damn. I didn’t expect that. I thought you were some sort of loving God. Like, you were all about love and you loved humanity,” said Johnny.

                 “I love humanity like you love ants. I don’t go out of my way to protect you, but occasionally some get stepped on and then it’s like, oh my me. Then there’s the paperwork and the tears and the prayers and the whining which is like a mosquito zinging and buzzing in my ear, don’t even know why those were made,  and then I‘m like, Fine! Fine, build me a church, here’s some prophet, do with it as you will and leave me out of it,” said the face on the screen.

                 “What? You’re a dick,” said Johnny, “Like that’s a super dick thing to say. Like, I wouldn’t even say something like that to my 3^rd ex-wife, and she stabbed me in thigh once.”

                 “Okay, you’ve really gotten me off track here. I’m just going to move ahead with the orientation. So, now that you all are among the newly deceased, we have an extensive amenity program at the Heavenly spa and resort with access to all the boutiques and…,” said the giant computer face.

                 “Oy! Big face! Oy,” shouted Johnny, “Hey! What the hell!?! I’m not done with you!”

                 The face on the screen sighed.  Johnny’s seat began to vibrate. It launched up, or what Johnny perceived as up, with incredible velocity.   It travelled through the cosmos in a blink and Johnny saw himself looking in the very heart of the Universe and all creation. He couldn’t breathe. Until he felt something on his chest. A thumping. More thumping, harder. He felt like he was getting dizzy.

                 Johnny woke up in an ambulance. A bandage on his head, I.V.’s in his arm. A paramedic standing over him.

                 “We got him,” said the Paramedic, “we’ve got a pulse.” 

                 “Oh thank god,” said Johnny’s wife, Cassandra, as she rested her head against his face.

                 “Don’t thank that asshole,” said Johnny, “last time I ever die. Frigging rip off.”