So.
America.
It’s your “Birthday”.
In a couple days.
You’re looking…fat.
Like, you’ve really put on
a few pounds and are not
carrying it well.
You know that’s not healthy,
right?
Really heavy in the middle
there, and the wrinkles,
wow. I’ve seen Egyptian
mummies with better skin,
are you moisturizing or using
sunblock or
just letting your neck get
so red?
You’re pretty young as countries
go,
only 246 years old, which frankly,
is a
toddler in comparison to a lot of
other countries. Did you know
Japan
is over 4,000 years old? They look
great
don’t they?
Well, I agree, being an Island can
be very slimming.
But I mean, you could have that
look too.
If you wanted to, but that’s your
choice
I suppose. I mean, if you’re
allowed to
have a choice about your physical
condition.
Metaphorically, obviously. Or is it literal now?
Why don’t you open the present I
got for
you?
That’s right, it’s a box of
fireworks to set off
at three o’clock in the morning on
a random
Wednesday in November because you’re
America
damn it and you’ll be damned if
anyone tells you
how and when to set off
explosives.
Neighbors suck anyway, right?
Actually, USA, I’m not really
feeling your
birthday this year. Sure, we’ll go
to the party,
and have the BBQ and drink until
our kidneys fail,
but I’m just worried about you
bro.
You’ve been getting weird in your aging.
Like, so weird.
Is something bothering you?
Like, are you upset at us or
something?
Did we do something to make you mad?
I mean, you don’t have to answer
me right
now, I know that’s the last thing
you
want to think about around your
birthday but…
I mean a lot of people have died
for you,
so maybe, I don’t know, have a
frank and
honest discussion with us about
where you
see yourself going, I mean, do you
want to
stay this aging frat bro, or get a
little classier
and stop this madness?
A lot of people aren’t really “feeling”
it
this year. There’s been some
really crappy
stuff done in your name bro, so,
people
are pretty, just, “not into you”
right now.
I mean, I think people are
starting to think
Canada is a little hotter than
you.
At least that’s what I heard.
I am sorry to pressure you bro,
I know you have a lot on your
plate,
it appears to mostly be filled
with cake,
but a full plate nonetheless.
I just want you to have a Happy
Birthday
and to maybe really think about
your choices. The choices that
have a deep
and long-lasting effect on us,
bro.
I hope you find the time this year
to
maybe get in a little exercise,
maybe
try to take care of yourself a
little
better, stop all that pollution
and litter
and try to work on all that lard
thickening
you up so, so, so much in the
middle.
Also, don’t do a keg stand this
year.
I know you love it, but dude, it’s
time to
stop.
Okay, try to have a happy
birthday.
I’ll try to have a good Fourth of
July.
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