Alarm Clocks

Alarm Clocks

I have two alarm clocks in my bedroom. One is directly next to my head and the other is across the room. They are set to go off between five and ten minutes apart. The alarm next to my head starts wailing away at 6:33 am and I won’t hear it until the second alarm goes off ten minutes later. I reach over and press the snooze button on the first alarm then get out of bed, hit snooze on the second alarm and get back into bed. I tell myself every morning that I should just get up at the first alarm; that I’ll regret it if I lay back down. But I know myself too well.

I’ve never been a morning person. Ever. When I was a child my mother would have to pound on my bedroom door and scream at me to get out of bed for school or work. Being late in the mornings has been something I have done my entire life. I’ll likely be late for my own funeral.  I have no internal alarm clock, or if I do, it’s set to 10:00 am.  

Every morning those two alarm clocks scream away, for ten to fifteen minutes before I ever hear them. I think my neighbor across the hall uses my alarms to get herself up. I bet she doesn’t even bother to set her own. I’ve apologized to her on several occasions for the loudness and longevity of my alarm clocks persistent attempts to wake me. I explained I sleep like a corpse under a rock, on the moon. She only smiles politely and runs into her apartment and slams the door. And locks it; twice. 

At some point the alarms eventually do their job and I struggle to drag myself up, get into the shower, organize something to wear for work and haul my late butt to work. All the while I curse myself for being unable to rise and shine. Every night I tell myself as I go to bed that I have to wake up on time. And every morning my arm is reaching out for the snooze convinced that another five minutes of sleep while not turn into 25 minutes.

I need that Three Stooges alarm that lifts the bed up 90 degrees and dumps me onto the floor. (Who am I kidding, I’d probably just start sleeping on the floor.)