I almost get T. S. Eliot

“APRIL is the cruelest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.”

There’s a lot of that going on across the USA this week. A lot of spring storms carving a path of wanton destruction and chaos and truly proving April’s cruelty.  She’s a badmammajamma. In fact, I think she’s been dating Old Man Winter, because he seems to still be hanging around. I can feel his cold fingers on my neck as I walk the chilly city streets. I also think that's April laughing in the distance, echoing off ally walls.

Spring is also a time when it’s alleged a young man’s fancy turns to matters of the heart; however this spring seems to have prevented a lot of that because it’s just too bitter out to enjoy oneself.  Not to say that I haven’t tried of course.  I certainly wish some young women’s fancy would turn to matters of the heart. I wonder what happened to those women.

I think the lines, “mixing Memory and desire,” are the most telling of the poem. I remember all my past springs where I was either in a relationship or out of one. I remember feeling relieved in some cases where I was out of a relationship and then other times, wracked with loneliness, yearning to be in a relationship.  Memory and desire would normally seem to be mutually exclusive, but they are so deeply intertwined. We desire those times in the past when we most happy, but the cruelty lies in the fact that we can never have those moments again and the rains that fall mix into the dirt of our subconscious and get us all worked up inside. It sets us up for the eventual fall or, perhaps, prepares the ground for the seeds of what’s yet to come.

Desire is interesting. I desire quite a bit. I’m often overcome with desire to the point that I can hardly contain myself, but as I am rather reserved in behavior, I am able to resist the temptation to act on my desires. We tend to think that conquering our desires will make us stronger, that denying the things we most want will teach us humility or build character but it makes me wonder, what kind of character would be made if we actually pursued our desires with as much vigor as we deny them?

Perhaps I’m just being fanciful; I’m fully aware that a world in which everyone simply pursued their own desires ceaselessly would quickly crumble and fall to the winds of history. Unless one’s desire was to help others, then we might have a chance I suppose. But that cruelty of April would certainly spread to the other months if all people ever did was attempt to fulfill their desires. The selfishness and debauchery that may ensue would bring society to its knees.

I guess I’ll just have to stick with memory and hope the spring rains make the soil fertile enough for something to grow and be fruitful.