Christmalcoholic

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.

Let’s put those snowballs back

in the freezer shall we.

No one wants to see them right

now.

It’s Christmas time and that means

we need to keep an eye on Santa to

make sure he doesn’t act inappropriately

while asking children to sit on his lap.

This is a horrifying concept to me.

Santa Claus, the iconic symbol of

Coca-Cola, can’t even be trusted.

I am just super glad he isn’t real,

imagine the sexual assault/harassment

accusations against Mr. Kringle?

Groping Claus isn’t probably invited

to your holiday party, or if he is, he’s

not allowed to have any eggnog or any

of the Rum cakes.

In fact, I don’t think any variation of

Old St. Nick should be allowed anywhere

near alcohol. Plus, I’ve never understood

the whole if you’re a good kid, this old

man will bring you presents while you sleep.

What’s wrong with us and our mythology?

That’s just damn creepy right?

Old man sneaks into your house and leaves

gifts because he’s been watching you to see

if you’re naughty or nice. Gah!

Maybe this whole war on Christmas is

right. Maybe the symbols of this season

should be less about pleasing an old white

man and more about being good to each other?

I don’t know, I’ve had too much eggnog and

there are elves coming on to me. They want it.

Look at how they’re dressed. All tiny clothes,

and you know, curled up shoes, striped stockings,

yeah.   They want what this Santa’s got.

Ho-Ho- damnit I spilled my eggnog all

down my Santa suit.

God Rest ye Merry Gentlemen,

Shhhh, shut up, shhh……