Down to business

Sometimes I’m glad to be at work. It can sometimes stave off the boredom I’m so often filled with. Work provides me with an excuse to be more productive than I am at home. When I am at home, it takes me hours to bring myself to a point where I feel as though I must accomplish some task. I am so lazy.

Some would say my laziness is an extension of depression and cynicism; a real, “why bother”, attitude.  I know that’s a bad way to think and I guess that’s why I’m glad to be in my little cube at work. I mean, I hate going to work, but once I’m there I guess it’s alright. At least it’s something to do.

I’ve never been very motivated. It’s been the bane of my life; motivation. Teachers always reported to my parents that I was incredibly bright, but lacked motivation. I made the mistake of reading too much Zen crap and Buddhism at a very young age and what I got from it was stoicism and a lack of desire. I took to heart that if one freed them self from the bonds of desire then they would be happy and at peace. Unfulfilled desire is the road to unhappiness. (Maybe I had a little Jedi thrown in there too.) All in all it left me without much in the way of desire. I mean, I want things, but I merely expect them to come to me and if they don’t, then I wasn’t meant to have it. It’s difficult to change one’s way of thinking and actually try to go out and get the things I want. It would take a monumental shift in the way I’ve been thinking for the last 25 years. (I was pretty awesome until I was ten I think)

I see people every day, striving to better themselves through exercise or education or rock climbing or knitting classes and I can’t seem to understand them. I am filled with cynicism when I see them. I think, “Where will all this get them? They’re still going to have to work that crappy job and maybe live in that crappy house? They’re still going to die one day? What’s the point?”

This is a terrible attitude I know. It’s incredibly morose and depressing, especially for a rainy Monday. I should try and be more positive. At least I have a job to go to. At least I do have a roof over my head and I can afford to live there. I may be lonely but I have friends and family. I am rational enough to realize my negativity and know that I have a piss poor attitude. The lesson’s I’ve learned in life have made me this way. It constructed my character and shaped my regrets. (That's a terrible excuse.)

Boy, this didn’t start out so damn depressing. I’m not sure how I got to this point so quickly this Monday morning. I should really take a deep breath and not be such a poop. At least I have this work to do to take my mind off of it for a few hours, instead of wallowing in self-pity and loathing. Plus, I’m sure it’s not much fun for you reader. We should talk about something else. How are you?

That’s good. Sounds exciting. (sigh)