Thousand pound head

I had a terrible time trying to get to sleep last night. My head was smushed up against my pillow and I felt as though my head weighed hundreds of pounds. I was just uncomfortable and felt somehow out of place. I thought perhaps I’ve been sleeping sitting up on the couch too often to know what it’s like to lay down to sleep, but then, that’s a foolish thought. I sleep in the bed more often than on the couch.

My mind was racing too quickly to shut down. I was obsessively playing out scenarios in my head that are far too unlikely to ever occur. My thoughts mostly involved a young lady I might have what feels like a schoolboy crush on. I was playing out all the scenarios of dating her and building a relationship, then marriage, then more kids, then a yard, cook-outs with the neighbors, visiting grandma, looking at her when I’m old and admiring how she managed to stay just as beautiful as the day I met her.

So you could see how I might have a hard time sleeping with that racing through my brain. I was then caught up in thinking about all the negatives that might occur in the previously said girl situation. That got my mind reeling with the possible arguments and financial troubles and tears and long nights spent at a bar wondering how I let the relationship get to such a low point and then getting into a fight with some old boyfriend of hers because he called the bar, “lewd” without knowing what, “lewd” actually meant.

So I tossed and turned and wrestled with my thousand pound head unable to find any comfort or solace in my brain. Around 1:00 in the morning I got up and had a cigarette, hoping to clear my head a bit and relax just enough to allow myself to slow down and get some sleep. I know it’s ridiculous to spin the wheels of the mind around so many possibilities. It’s silly to worry about since there are no guarantees about anything in life. I know I can imagine millions of possibilities and it’s more than likely absolutely none of them would come into being.

But still, I eventually fell asleep still thinking about her and I have no memory of my dreams, but I woke up thinking about her. I immediately doubted that she had done the same. At least my head no longer weighed so much. A shower and another day in the office was what I had to look forward to. Then I’ll go home, do some dishes, sit on the couch and resist the temptation to drown my racing mind in unfulfilled fantasy.