Erased

It’s been a tough Thursday so far. I’ve definitely had trouble starting a piece for today. Every word that has appeared on this blank page hasn’t felt right. It’s a visceral thing; writing. It has to feel right on the page before I let anybody read it.  So up till now, nothing has felt quite right. In fact, it looked like poop on the page. So I’ve erased and started again and erased again, over and over.

I’ve gone back and forth on the issue of how really personal to get in these articles. I feel there should be a balance between journalism and creativity, but I limit much about what I am really feeling. Sure I express my opinions and thoughts, but I think I’ve maintained some subtle separation from subjective emotionalism.  I don’t want these articles to wind up sounding too much like the ravings of an emotionally unstable teenager, just an emotionally unstable mid-thirty year old. That’s a hard line to walk.

But what’s the point of writing if you’re not going to be emotionally invested. So here goes, my biggest emotional issue in my life right now is my lack of real companionship. And by that I mean; I want a damn girlfriend. I want someone to want me. I’m lonely. (Whew, that was tough to get out) I know I’ve said it before in other articles but it’s getting pretty obscene lately. I forget what I was watching on TV last night, some stupid mattress commercial and couples were talking about how they sleep and I found myself being jealous. Even though I’m sure they were all just actors and were playing “couple” parts, but they were effective.  That’s what I mean by obscene, a mattress commercial made me feel like a lonely loser.

It may sound like I have a co-dependency issue here, as if I have to define myself by the female company I keep, but it’s not that. I’m looking for someone to compliment me and whom I compliment as well. And I’m really picky. Picky to the point that I start to wonder if I’ve become so emotionally reserved I’m not even sure I’m capable of supporting an emotional relationship. I’d like to try of course.

I should erase this whole thing I think. It sounds so desperate and needy; so wimpy, to be honest. I would rather exude a manly swagger and confidence in the “wanting a relationship” arena. But I haven’t been all that successful in the past few… years. I’m still not exactly sure what my last girlfriend saw in me to stick around for as long as she did.  So confidence wanes a bit.

In my humble and modest opinion, I’m a catch. Educated, employed, creative, funny, well groomed, Irish good looks (or as I’ve been called “cute”), and I’m pretty fun to be around. (How’s that for confidence. Blam!) So what does a guy like that have to do to find something real with a woman that hopefully has all the same attributes?

Maybe this all stems from what I’ve been told is the next logical step in my “growing-up”. All the years of Catholic school and the examples of those around me; maybe I’ve been conditioned with this need for companionship? A ying for my yang, if you will. I’m not exactly the on-line dating type and I certainly don’t go to the dance clubs to shake my ass off in some peculiar mammalian mating ritual. I’m not a peacock. So what’s an average Michael like me to do?   I should probably erase this and write about Detective Thursday and the Summer murder mystery.