Everybody jump, jump

I recently became aware of a theory being presented by some scientists. They may be mad scientists for all I know. I hear they do have an exclusive club working on death rays and the like (perhaps in Tampa Florida this week?) I heard that they believe that if they got every single person on planet Earth to jump simultaneously we could slightly alter the Earth’s course and orbit around the Sun.

This, I think, is completely preposterous. With the Earth’s molten iron core being the main gravitational balance between Earth’s position with the Sun I find it highly unlikely that the collective weight of all of the people on the planet could have any effect on our position in the cosmos.  Plus there’s all that “every action has an equal and opposite reaction” stuff. When you jump both you and the Earth will be given the same change in momentum, in opposite directions. You land back at each other essentially so the result is negligible.

So in other words, what the hell are these scientists doing? I’m sure a bunch of them got huge grant dollars from some foundation or even the government to discuss a theory Isaac Newton put to rest hundreds of years ago. I think I’m in the wrong business. I need a grant to study nothing.

I think I would like to study the rhythmic gyrations of American females between the ages of 23 to 28 having been subjected to 1990’s dance music and its effects on the polar ice caps. Now there’s a worthy field of study. I wonder if I could get a grant for that. Oh, wait, they did that one already, it was called Dance Party USA. Damn.

Maybe I can get a grant to study my own bad luck with women. Imagine the papers I could publish out of that! It would probably be something like this:

Day One: Saw pretty girl on the train and was about to talk to her but then I realized I was a fat, middle class American male with a dead end job and I was sweating quite a bit. Got burrito instead.  

Day One Evening: Went to local bar in the hopes a pretty woman would notice me and say hi. Got drunk instead and urinated in tub. Was that my tub?

Day Two: Told girl about theory regarding everybody jumping on Earth at the same time to shift Earth’s orbit. She nodded and moved to a different seat. (Getting somewhere?)

Imagine how awesome that would be if by the end of the experiment I had a fully formed guideline for all the other hopeless romantic guys out there that I could sell for a huge profit. Maybe I could join the mad scientist club then. Hell, they’d probably make me club president.

Then they’d pay. They’d all pay. Mmmwahahahaha! (Stroking white cat with claw hand)