Pigeons Eat Pizza

I had no idea that pigeons ate pizza. This morning two pigeons were pecking away on a slice of thin crust pizza. I’m not sure how a thin crust pizza even got into Chicago, but there is was, being slowly consumed by the two pigeons. Each one would peck at a time to keep the pizza from bouncing too far from each other’s beaks.

It was a full slice too with cheese and tomato sauce still on it.  I only had a moment to really marvel at it as I was in the flowing river of commuters exiting the train station. I would have liked to watch a little more just out of sheer curiosity. I really had never seen a pigeon eat pizza, let alone two pigeons. It made me wonder what else pigeons do that I am not aware of.

Pigeons play cards. They huddle together in tight poker table type groups and play Texas Hold ‘em. However, pigeons don’t call it that, they call it, and “Coo-Coo, deal the frigging cards already ya cheatin’ bastards”. They don’t play with money because pigeons don’t understand how paper can be traded for goods and services. They use seed or shiny things they found to ante. Since they are terrible at math they always think the other pigeon is cheating. This wouldn’t be too far off base because;

Pigeons cheat at cards. Of course their cards are usually Chinese take-out menus and any of them with the fire breathing pigeon pictured on it is an ace. Pigeons aren’t familiar with dragons, so they assume it’s a fire breathing pigeon named Roy. Every hand ends in a draw because all the pigeons claim they have seven “Roys” in their feathers. Or as they call it, a Full Roy.

Pigeons are ninjas. They are silent assassins trained in the deadly and ancient art of Pigeon-fu. This martial art has been practiced for centuries. It consists of casually bobbing in front of a full speed walking human being and then suddenly changing direction and causing the human to stumble ever so slightly. In more extreme cases the masters of Pigeon-Fu take flight right in the faces of the on-coming humans causing panic and the human curse word, “Ahhrgh”.

Pigeons don’t speak English.  They’ve been known to pick up a few words of obvious tender endearment like, “Sky Rat”, and “Festering Poison Fowl”. Humans don’t use the quantifier “Coo”, for most of their phrases so they pigeons just can’t understand them. The humans just don’t seem to want to learn pigeon. A clearly superior language.

Pigeons secretly want to drive. Sure the power of flight is okay, but what most pigeons really want is to drive a super fast American car from the 1960’s. Something with “Coo-balls”. And then they want to poop on it. They live half this dream on a daily basis all over the world. They do wait until you wash your car to do it. They are jealous of the supercharger.

It seems pigeons do a lot amazing things, from crapping on great sculptures to slamming into office windows for kicks. They are the daredevils of the bird kingdom (Daredevils not always being the brightest of us though) and they will not stop until they get their “Coo-uppance”.  Just watch them someday. You’ll be amazed. Plus, they’re already watching you and are poorly planning your DOOOOOOM.