Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Stop making me crazy

I am completely not interested in the training conference call/web site thing I should be listening to right now. I take that back, I have the phone up to my ear but I’m clearly working on something else. I really couldn’t give two mouse farts about the new Audit requirements for the service expectations. I’d rather drive into a mountain filled with explosives and double edged razor blades.

Although, I’ve been in the working world long enough to appreciate the web based training. Years ago all the employees would be corralled into a big conference room while some proctor guided us all through a procedure with hand-outs and a primitive power-point. Maybe some slides.  I remember spending most of those meetings doodling on my notepad. Lots of three dimensional boxes doodled in those training meetings. So to have the ability to now participate in a web training session where I don’t have to leave my desk with a phone up to my ear and type this article is completely appreciated.

The down side however is that management feels we need this web training on nearly every aspect of our jobs, but not on the things we really need to know. I guess that’s always been my problem with any sort of education I’ve received; I only want to know what I want to know. This extemporaneous gobbly-gook is slowing me down. It’s always slowed me down and it makes me insane with the reality of my boring ass life.

Last night I sat on my couch and lived vicariously through my TV. I watched Toy Story 3 which made me miss some of my toys; at least I know they’re in my mother’s attic. I’m not ashamed to admit that I got pretty misty over it. I watched and laughed at Dr. Strangelove and then stayed up too late watching Network. Thank you Turner Classic Movies. I never watched Network as a grown-up and unedited. It’s one hell of a prophetic movie. It was released in 1976 (just like me) and I am amazed at how little things have changed. They make references to the wars America is involved in, the gas crisis, the depression, joblessness, poverty, social inequality and underground terrorist movements. (What? Those are the same headlines as today) I thought to myself that I have never known a, “Golden Age”, of America. I’m not saying America isn’t awesome. It’s pretty bad ass. But personally, I’ve never seen this America my grandparents or even parents bore witness to.  

This conference is still going on. It’s been 20 minutes of detailed descriptions of each audit change. There are 70 audit questions. We are on #45.  I’m not sure how I became this. A guy on the end of a telephone listening to a woman drone on and on about the number of points a particular audit question now has. Where did I lose my mind? I let it wander once and it never came back. It got drunk and fell off a truck in front of an insurance company and wandered in thinking working there would be a gas.

Little did they know how bat shit crazy the whole thing would make me and how little I would end up caring. There’s an emotional vacuum working at an insurance company, it sucks.  All told, I’ve let my life somewhat slip away from me and have ground my bones into paste in the pestle of a giant corporation bent on making money. The whole thing, everything, is all about making more and more money for the stockholders and the shareholders and the over the shoulder boulder holders. (That last one is a bra).

So yeah, it’s all making me crazy. That and I can’t seem to meet a nice girl…, no wait, I have met lots of nice girls, but none that want to devote any time to the business of me. Probably because I’m so crazy, which I can understand, but frankly, we’re all pretty frigging crazy. So why can’t my crazy find an equal crazy to be absolutely insane with?

I shouldn’t have stayed up so late. Perhaps I should have written a poem or another story. Perhaps this is too much for a Wednesday in January. Well, you’ve read it now, you can’t un-read it.

Oh, the conference call is over. No one had any questions. I can hang up now. I thank you Jesus for the smallest of miracles. Now, what are the lottery numbers? I need to buy some crazy shit. 


  1. Great post.
    Regarding singlehood - never contemplate why you are single during a full moon, nor while you are sleep deprived. Trust me.

  2. Thanks again. My posts are a mish-mash of things, poems, stories and self indulgent essays. Wait, that's blogging right?