Sleep was just impossible to find last night. My head was filled with all the worries and stresses of the recent days. I usually try to have a pretty laid back demeanor but inside I’m a nervous horror show.
I was wondering about my manic depressive states last night and I sat glumly on the couch. I was jealous of that blasted American Chopper show because those guys on there are doing exactly what they want to do with their lives and they are happy. I still haven’t a clue what that’s like. So, that just made me feel even worse. I’ve got a money pit of a car, a rented apartment, no girl friend, no prospects, no real satisfaction in my job or my personal life. So yeah, it was a rough night trying to find some sleep.
I woke up with Edgar Allen Poe in my head again. His delightful melancholy brought me a little comfort as I thought about the Raven and the author’s wish it return to the nights Plutonian shore. That’s kind of a depressing thing to have on the brain first thing in the morning. So I tried to shake it off. I know that most of the troubles I find myself in are essentially my fault. I am a victim of circumstance, but I created those circumstances in the first place so there’s no one to blame but myself.
I was angry as I got to work today, feeling a deep and searing hatred for all the people crowded around me. I wanted them to go away; which, in retrospect is a pretty crappy thing to think. I really don’t mean them any ill-will. They are just people doing their own thing. Sure they might get in my way and I have a desire to push them into traffic and keep walking without looking back, but I wouldn’t really do that. It’s just sleep deprivation and a general crabbiness that is making me type this way.
So, I’ve got to pull my stuff together and get over it. I’ve got to make this life my own and stop screwing around. I need people to shut up and just let me do it at my own pace. I need a cigarette. I’m going to go have one.
I just realized that this is my 200th post on this site. How about that? I guess there’s something to be happy about after all. Thanks for reading. I really appreciate it. Even if it is a little spotty and moody at times.