Arose Such a Clatter

            “Okay, you’re scaring me,” said Elvin

            “Shhh… Be quiet,” said Chris.

             Chris carefully stepped along the snowy rooftop toward the chimney while Elvin cowered in the sleigh.

             “I really don’t think this is a good idea,” whispered Elvin.

            “Just be quiet. Trust me, this is going to be hilarious,” said Chris.

             Chris balanced his way along the roofline and made it to the chimney. He looked down to see if there was any glow from a fire at the bottom. He didn’t see one, but then, the flue could be closed. It was a risk Chris was willing to take.

             “C’mon Chris. I really don’t think she’s going to be impressed. I think she’ll call the cops,” said Elvin.

            “Shut up man! She’s going to love it,” scolded Chris.

             Elvin looked out toward the street and then back out over the yard. There were no cars or other persons about. Chris stepped up over the chimney edge and dropped his feet into the chimney channel. He started wiggling his way down to his waist when he got stuck.

             “Elvin! Elvin! I’m stuck! I’m stuck!”

             Elvin poked his head up from the sleigh to see Chris’ flailing arms waving frantically. Chris’ eyes flashed with panic as he looked at Elvin.

             “Oh man, oh man, I knew this was a bad idea,” said Elvin.

             Elvin hopped out of the sleigh. Two or three beer bottles dropped from the sleigh rolled along the roof and fell to the ground below. They didn’t break but landed with a snowy flump. Elvin gulped and started shuffling along the roof toward the trapped Chris.

             “C’mon man! Get me out of here!”

            “I’m coming man, damn it,” said Elvin.

             As Elvin moved along the roof he saw some lights flick on from below. He heard the front door open. He froze.

             “Who the hell is up there,” yelled Stephanie from the ground below.

             Elvin looked at Chris. Chris looked at Elvin.

             “Chris? Chris are you up there,” demanded Stephanie.

             Chris shrugged and continued to try and struggle his way out of the chimney. Elvin tried to silently move toward Chris.

             “I’ll call the cop again Chris. I’m not putting up with this,” said Stephanie.

             Chris stopped and looked at Elvin. Elvin threw up his hands and looked about wildly.

             “Uh… Ho-Ho-Ho! Merry Christmas! It’s Santa Claus,” yelled Chris.

            “God damn it Chris,” said Stephanie.

            Elvin made it to Chris and started to pull on Chris’ arms but couldn’t get him free. He couldn’t get any leverage and couldn’t lift him. Chris was also wildly overweight. He’d been gaining weight ever since Stephanie dumped him.

             “Are you stuck,” asked Stephanie.

             Chris looked at Elvin again and sighed. Elvin shrugged and started back toward the makeshift sleigh to get another beer.

             “Yeah. I’m stuck. Please call the fire department,” said Chris.

             Chris put his head down and felt like he was about to cry.