Tuesday, April 17, 2012

No reason to fear

April liked the month of April. It was her month. She was born in October, but still, April was April’s month. She liked the spring flowers blooming and the cute spring jackets she could wear to work instead of the bulky winter coats that hid the figure she was working so very hard on. Three days a week at the gym and some of the cross-fit workouts would not be hidden from the world by some miserable coat. That and all the dieting she did over the winter. April was April’s coming out party.

Since April left college she’d been putting on weight and she just didn’t seem able to take it off or keep it off. Her friends all told her she was beautiful but she knew that she wasn’t happy with her expanding belly. Her friend Matt was the worst offender. He constantly told her how beautiful she was and that she didn’t need to lose any more weight but she just felt fat. Plus Matt clearly had a crush on her and he was just not cool.

April got on her bathroom scale after her shower and marveled at how slender and sleek she now looked in her mirror. She wasn’t a normally conceited person but she couldn’t help herself.

“Hot damn”, she said to her reflection and smacked herself on her butt.

She giggled at herself and started getting ready for work. She had her window cracked to vent the bathroom of all the steam that built up and she could smell springtime in the morning air. It seemed like, for the first time in her whole life she was really happy. Like all those Goth years and bad poetry were behind her and she could finally be the woman she always wanted to be.

“Hot damn”.

She heard repeated from the courtyard of her apartment building below. She quickly grabbed her towel and wrapped it around her body and looked out the window. She didn’t see anyone. She suddenly felt very conscience of herself and embarrassed. She felt foolish for admiring herself. That was not the modest girl she told everyone that she was. She was still rattled though.

Did someone seen her naked? Or maybe someone outside just heard her say hot damn and was being a smart ass and repeating it. Maybe she shouldn’t let it get to her so much. She walked out of her bathroom and to her kitchen and took out a breakfast energy bar and started munching on it absently. She sat on one of her kitchen chairs and chewed the sawdust tasting breakfast bar and felt tears in her eyes.

Who would make fun of her? She worked so hard and lost all that weight and finally felt like a real person. Why would someone make fun of her? She then started to wonder if maybe she did have a peeping Tom. Maybe she had gotten hot enough for men to want to watch her walk around her apartment naked. Maybe she was desirable.  She swallowed the pressboard breakfast bar and stood from her table.

It was fine. It was fine. There was nothing to worry about. She was totally hot now and nothing happened to sexy women.

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