Today we enter a land strange and mysterious. A land of darkness and incomprehensible madness. Today we join the few who’ve ventured here before. Today we join, The Friday Guild.
The Friday Guild, shrouded in secrecy since the late 1700’s, is a loose cabal of those closeted hedonists that must suffer through the “other” days of the week. They not only Thank God it’s Friday, they celebrate it with offerings of the flesh through magical sexual conquest and goat’s head dancing. The Friday Guild meets in underground caverns; their meetings are lit only by candles; they wear the ceremonial “Friday” powdered wigs of our forefathers and they eat massive amounts of gravy smothered mashed potatoes, followed by lots of wine and Tequila. However, this is a more formal and antiquated setting for the Friday Guild. Today they are most likely meeting at that bar up the street that you want to go into but just never seem to have the time.
They love Fridays. In fact, the restaurant, TGIFriday’s is actually a front organization for the Friday Guild. That’s why there’s so much gravy and mashed potatoes there. Plus all the crazy crap on the walls. An alligator head wearing sunglasses and a cowboy hat? A clear sign that the Friday Guild is there.
How do you spot a Friday Guild member? They are a crafty bunch and they are able to blend into the normal fabric of society Monday through Thursday. They look like our mother’s, our sister’s, our brother’s and that one cousin you sort of wish wasn’t a cousin but are now resigned to the idea that they’re family and it’s super wrong to have those thoughts about them. That’s who they look like. They mix in around the coffee maker, telling stories about old Seinfeld episodes and how they just started watching Orange is the New Black and how much they totally love it. These are the members of the Friday Guild.
They are a shady organization; however they have no leadership structure that can be detected. They seem to congregate where ever there are “happy hours” and “free mini tacos” or “free high school cheerleader car washes”. En mass, they are a true force to reckon with. They manipulate jukeboxes with a graceful deftness and can get a whole room singing along to Journey with such ease you’d believe there was indeed something magical about them. They also dance like no one is watching.
They have no uniforms other than what is called “Appropriate Casual Friday attire”. In years past, these outfits included Hawaiian shirts, wacky neck ties, tank tops with a tasteful shawl and the occasional jean jacket, but nothing is standardized. 200 hundred years ago, in the beginning, they could be spotted by the shortness of their pantaloons or the tremendous size of their bustle. However, they are harder to spot now thanks to Facebook, Pinterest, YouTube and various other fashion police squads.
It is their mission at the Friday Guild to embrace all things Friday (Friday of course being named after the Latin dies Veneris or "day of Venus") which means they are all about riding seashells on the surf, naked as a jaybird while being followed by cherubim and seraphim. Which is very similar to the SocietieDe Tuesdanauts but without the colorful sashes and trombones. They are diligent in the fulfillment of their lusty drink specials and saucy flirting with wait staffs. It is important to remember that if you find yourself drawn into a secret meeting of the Friday Guild, it’s best just to go with the flow.
If you are not part of a local Friday Guild Chapter house, I suggest joining. You have to bring your own goat’s head for the dancing ceremony but based on the current popularity of goats in advertising I’m sure that won’t be a problem. Otherwise, remember their secret “high-five handshake”, which in all reality is just a regular high-five, just more often and by that one guy who you normally don’t like to talk to because his shirts are just way too tight for his physique. (C’mon Brad, you can’t wear that shirt anymore.) Just remember that and you should be able to blend into their meetings like you were there the whole time. Heed what you have learned here today and remember Omnes speciosa Friday!