Friday, July 3, 2015

Happy July 4th USA-er's!

It’s that most American, er… North American…well, no…um... it’s that most United States of America time of year! Yeah, that’s it. (Due to The US not having complete and utter dominance over the Western Hemisphere I must be somewhat politically correct.) But still, it’s pretty great to have this wonderful holiday weekend approaching. It’s one of those great holidays that don’t require any gifting or special prayers or thoughts about being charitable to your fellow man. It’s all just the USA in your face! Ka-blammo!

As a citizen of the United States of America I have to say that I’m pretty darn happy to live here. I’m glad my great-grandfather left his country of birth (Ireland) and came to the good old US of A. It’s afforded me some wonderful opportunities to completely waste due to either lethargy or disinterest. I couldn’t be bothered to determine which is more likely. That’s my awesome right as a US citizen. I can ignore any crazy crap I want and feel like I’ve done the right thing; nay, that I’ve done my country a service by being completely oblivious to the plight of others.
I care. Enough. I mean, I’m not down at the soup kitchen ladling out bowls of survival or giving free baths to the elderly, but I care, sort of. I mean. I’m a natural US citizen; I was bred not to care too much. And that’s not to say my mother didn’t raise me with any compassion. I’m loaded with compassion and concern for the downtrodden. I love them. Just while they’re over there, not so close. No…further over there. A little more, to the left, in the shadows…annnnnnd there.
Issues of public policy are very close to my heart and I hate to see the little guy, the hard working fella, get pushed around or ground into the dirt just because they don’t have the power to rise up against those that act as impediments to upward mobility. I’ll always root for the underdog. Americans love the underdog. From Rocky Balboa to the actual Underdog, we just can’t get enough of that scrappy doer with the wry smile and dirty fingernails who makes it out of the mud and the muck and reaches the pinnacle of the middle class. We frigging love the underdog character; unless it’s a woman. Then, c’mon, she’s not that special, am I right fellas? C’mon… (Based on the current wage disparity among other things, you’d think that statement was true.)
I’m kidding of course, man or woman, Americans love their underdogs. I think it goes back to our defeat of the British during the revolution. We were the world’s underdog and we made it. (With considerable assistance from France. Shhhhhh….) I think that plays just right into our love affair with rising to the top. As well as our love of seeing the powerful and wealthy get toppled and brought down to the level of complete ruin. There’s a perverse thrill of seeing the millionaire begging for change on the corner. (Hardly ever see that anymore. Is that just an old Great Depression image?) We love to see the mighty fall, and the weak rise.
Yet we celebrate all the people this weekend with our Independence Day. Rich or poor, black or white or other, all are welcome at the USA’s cornucopia of freedom. Well, I mean, sort of. I mean in a free society not everyone can be free. I mean that would just be anarchy and no one wants an anarchist in charge. We’d never know what time the town hall meeting was if there was an anarchist in charge. It’s all, “maybe later” or, “Now”, with those anarchists. It’s especially bad if they are procrastinating anarchists, then it’d be complete chaos. So clearly there has to be some sensible limits on our limitless freedoms as Americans.
I think a short list to explain the RIGHT way to express your freedom and love of this Republic this 4th of July might be appropriate here:
                                                                     Blowing things up:
YES                                                                                                            NOT SO MUCH
Fireworks are a great                                                           Gas Stations – Not so great to blow up.
way to celebrate the 4th,
as long as you are safe.

Small Backyard fire pits                                                     Flamethrower inside a friend’s house.
to sit around with other
friends and Americans.
A few beers spread out                                                            Heroine and 8-balls and Tequila
through the evening and                                                          in your week old underwear.
never to excess.

Sharing a keg with other                                                                 Not sharing that 8-ball.
responsible Americans.
                                                                       Family Fun:
A nice time at a local                                                               Shooting up the neighborhood
pool and maybe an                                                                  and killing innocent families or kids.
early bed time for the

Sparklers for all the kids,                                                      A .45 for little Johnny to shoot straight
black cats and bottle rockets,                                                up in the air with.
safely supervised.

Hopefully this small list can offer some Holiday clarification. I’m just here to help you at an arm’s distance, like every good American should.

Regardless of the silliness of this post, I do hope that everyone does have a safe 4th of July weekend and really feels the love your country has for you. I mean, it loves you. I mean, I talked to her at lunch and she is crazy about you. I mean some of you. Not all of you…you know who you are.
Happy 4th of July and stay safe out there!

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