Monday, May 23, 2016

Imagine it on the Side of an Old Van

                “I don’t want to help you,” said the Old Wizard, “Your cause is lost. You are not from around here. I don’t like your shoes and you have a funny odor that I can’t place but it’s something like mildew and ass mixed in a barrel of shut up.”

                Humberto stood silently at the doorway of the Wizard’s simple Earthenware house. He leaned against the jamb and just stared in at the grizzled old Wizard.

                “I’ll turn you into an actual douche you know,” said the Wizard, “I can totally do it. I have the spell like, right here. I’ll do it. I’ll make you a douche with a terrible clichéd tattoo.”

                Humberto rolled his eyes, “Are you going to be a pain in the ass all day or are you going to help me rescue the princess or what?”
                “You’re the pain the ass. I was doing totally fine with all my stuff until you showed up on your ugly horse in my yard. Yeah, that’s right, I said you have an ugly horse,” said the Wizard.
                “Now, now, now, good Wizard, I know you don’t mean that. He’s a regular horse,” said Humberto.

                The Wizard stood from behind his wooden dining table and ran his fingers through his long bushy hair. His robes were dusty and threadbare in all the wrong places. He cracked his back. He cracked his knuckles.

                “Is a Wizard gonna have to hurt a bitch,” he said.
                “Hold it. You know I’m the good guy in this story. You’re not going to hurt me. You’re going to reluctantly join me in the quest to save the princess but along the long way through our perilous journey you’ll become like a father figure to me and I’ll become the son you never had. You know that’s how this is going to go. So get your walking staff, your magic runes and your sack and lets go,” said Humberto.
                “No. No. No. That’s a different story. This one is where the Wizard is actually completely bat-shit crazy and will straight up turn you into a used douche and then toss you in the woods where you won’t biodegrade for like, a thousand years and you’ll be so bad for the environment that others will take up the cause of totally hating you for being a dick to the environment that they’ll forever refer to anyone who’s an overconfident ass master as a douche,” said the Wizard.

                Humberto pulled at the collar of his tunic and adjusted his silvery armor, “Are you The Wizard of Red Cloth Prairie?”
                “Me? No. I’m the Wizard of Kick Your Ass Mountain,” said the Wizard.

                Humberto stepped back from the doorway and looked for the old wolf marker the gypsy in town told him to look for above the doorway.

                “But you have the wolf’s symbol over the door,” said Humberto.
                “That? That’s been there forever. It was there when I bought the place from an estate sale,” said the Wizard.
                “Oh, wow. Then I’m so totally sorry. I guess I got some bad information. Sorry to have troubled you,” said Humberto.
                “You sure as hell did. Now beat it before I go all douche crazy on you,” said the Wizard.
                Humberto turned back toward his horse. That damn gypsy took his money and gave him bad information. He’d have to have a word with her when he got back to town. 

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